I'd really like to be able to answer that question!

Today I found a blog about a young girl who is 16 and diagnosed with terminal cancer. She started her blog to document the events of her bucket list she's trying to complete before her life ends.

It bitter sweet to read. Bitter in a way that someone so young who hasn't experienced life is losing it a such a young age and enduring so much pain in the process, but Sweet in a way that a person like her self can be so on fire for life and uplifting to others when hers will be cut so short.

It amazes me, the courage these people have. When I think about my problems in life, they are NO where NEAR what someone like this young lady is gone through. In her profile at the end she ask a question.

"If today was your last day on this earth, how would you spend it?"

And after reading that question I'm pretty much speechless. There are some thoughts as to how I would want to spend my last day but so much that can not be done to really feel like I've truly LIVED my last day on this earth.

I've decided to give this question some thought and come back next week with my answer. In the mean time feel free to leave comments and answer the question yourself. How would you spend it?

See you soon!

It's Just A Rare Case!

Most of my readers are close friends and family members and know my personal life pretty well. But I do have a few new readers who don't know a lot about my personal life unless they really went back and read my old posts. For those of you who don't know me I've been single for about 8 to 9 years. That's a pretty long time to not have a boyfriend. And its a long enough time to drive a lady like me insane if your the type that does want to be married and have a family some day.
But all I can do is cross my fingers and hope and pray and have faith that God hasn't forgotten me. Which I know he hasn't

 Anyway....this post was brought on by a conversation I had lunch with my co-worker/best friend DB:

I told him that last Friday was a really bad day for me.
He asked "Why? "
I explained that I was feeling down about things in my life and all the friends around me recently getting married.

His response: He sighed

Suddenly I remembered he's a guy. And although we are hella cool and I can talk to him about anything, there are some things that men just can't handle and help out when it comes to women.

Now I'm not sure if his sigh was because he didn't want to hear this GIRLY sad crap or if he sighed because he's tired of hearing my SAME story. I wasn't about to ask.

Anyway, Although DB knows I've been single for 8 to 9 years, he doesn't know the full story of everything I've been through and changed about myself in the past 6 years. So unfortunately he still says things like:

"You need to change certain things about you" (in particular he's talking about me being celibate. He says I need to put the bait out there to catch the fish lol) I disagree!

"May be your standards are too high (he didn't use those direct words but he says something around that)

He says a lot more but I can't remember most of them right now.

Anyway.....I wrote this post because I'm sort of tired of people thinking that I haven't done anything to help my situation. And believe me people I HAVE!

There are so many things I changed about myself since I became single, about my self esteem, confidence, blah blah blah. I could go on for days.

I had a lot to fix about myself when I first became single. There was so much about me that I realized needed a change. It took some hard work and effort but I got it done. And now I'm a beautiful queen awaiting her king. I just don't know what's taking HIM SO DAMN LONG lol! And it makes me furious. Because time is ticking. So I really do get tired of most of the comments people make. I guess I have to learn to keep my mouth shut and stop crying about my problems to certain people.

I do know that speaking on the negative only brings MORE negative, and that's something I'm still working hard to change about my attitude.

So instead of me making a list of all the things I've done to try and change my situation, like Internet dating, trying new places etc...just know that I've done all that and my case is one of those rare cases.

People say to me today:

"Terrica, you have so much to give to a man, any man would be lucky to have you...but why are you single?"

My answer:

And to my homeboy DB, If your reading this, please don't feel like I'm shooting down all your opinions and suggestions. I just wanted you to know that I've done all I can, so If I am complaining to you about something (which I will try very HARD NOT to do from now on lol) just listen to me and if you need to say something, then say "Your in my prayers"

Lazy

Hey there readers, my apologies I haven't been posting. My brain has been pretty empty. But I plan to get back in the swing of things after this week.

Stay Tune.

Is Mr. Creepo a Sexual Harrassment Case?

Ok since I'm not prepared to deal with this at work yet, I figured I'd blog about it first and get some feed back IF anyone reads this post.

So theres this old guy at my job. Lets call him  Mr. Creepo, simply because he creeps me the hell out. 

Mr Creepo sits in an office next to me at work and Mr. Creepo is a very friendly and talk-a-tive old man.

It all started back in April on my birthday when my boss bought me a cake to work and I was cutting everyone a piece at my desk. He came over to get a piece and leaned in to hug me and kissed me unexpectedly on my cheek and said "Happy birthday Terrica".  It caught me completely off guard and literally made me sick to my stomach. Not to mention he left a lil bit of spit on my cheek.....WHAT THE HELL? I was so grossed out. But I smiled and swallowed the lump in my throat and said thank you and let it go. I just figured he's just being nice. After that Mr. Creepo seemed to be more comfortable with me. He started complimenting me everyday when I cam in. He would come up to my desk and say good morning and say my hair looked nice and that I had a sexy hair cut. This went on daily for the next couple of months and since the past two weeks he started something that I can't stand. One morning he came to my desk and complimented my hair once again. OK PEOPLE my hair pretty much looks the same every day. Its not how it is in the picture above, its a shorter cut but it looks the same every day. So I don't think I need to be complimented on it every single damn day. So that morning after complimenting my hair again Mr. Creepo said I make his heart throb and his sticks his hand in his shirt between the buttons and pretends to make the gesture that his heart is pounding through his shirt and opens mouth and pants for breaths. The first time he did it I laughed. But when he stopped at my desk every morning and did it, it really started grossing me out. So now I roll my eyes at him when he does it. You would think that my face expression would be enough for him to get the point that he's getting on my nerves but he hasn't caught on to that.

So now, every morning when I come into work I'm annoyed knowing that Mr. Creepo will stop by my desk to compliment me and do his disgusting heart throb gesture. Now I've never felt like I've been sexually harassed at a job before but I've been involved in a complaint involving other co-workers that listed me as a potential victim. This was at an older job. Anyway.....I know how tedious the process is and all the stress and strain it puts on you to go through something like this at work. This is not something I'm prepared to handle right now.When I think about it, I would say that Mr. Creepo is really a friendly old man that just doesn't know how to respect people's personal space and doesn't understand that some of the comments and gestures he makes is unprofessional. Since he's a contractor and most of them have are being let go lately, I was thinking I won't have to deal with him much longer and just let it be. But if he is here for the next 6-12 months then what do I do? As blunt as I am, I'm not nice enough to politely tell him he's making me feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't abruptly hurt his feelings and go the hell off if I end up having to say something. The fact that I HAVE to SAY something is what will piss me off and send me over the edge and I lose all professionalism and cuss this man the hell out. Hmm.....what to do...what to do?? As I type this post he passes my cube and smiles at my and my skin crawls lol. YUCK!!  Then I ask my self, am I just tripping and reading it all too deep? Is this sexual harassment? What are your thoughts?

Character Flaws & All

Its not easy to own up to your flaws. I have several that I'm OK with sharing today. I developed these character/ personality flaws while being single, and I've come to accept the fact that my life is the way it is because I have not chosen to make a change in my life in the way that I see and deal with things.

I recently watched a christian video that talked about how to get a man gods way. The video called out some points that I know all too well. After my 3rd year of being single I began feeling a little impatient on waiting for Mr Right. by the 5th year of being single I was completely upset that I hadn't found a man that I started doing things like:

1. Being Jealous when I see any type of couple together. I would say to myself " Now why does she have a man and I don't"
2. Putting down all men. Since so many broke my heart I pretty much just considered all men to be the same.
3. Saying things like "I can't live my life without a man."
4. Not living. I haven't bought a house because I've been waiting to buy one with my husband.

These are just a few that I'm not ashamed to admit. These are also the only character flaws I know I can work hard to change.

Over the last two years I've already begun to change some of these. The first and easiest to change was number 2. I know that all men aren't dogs....only the ones that broke my heart lol. Its not fair to put down one man for another mans faults. The second one I changed is number 1. It took a few years to get over this, and to be able to watch movies without crying every 30 min. To talk about it now sounds so pathetic lol, but its the truth. I couldn't stand the sight of another couple, and I couldn't stand anyone talking about their partner. Now I'm the nosey one asking all of the questions lol.

As for 3 and 4 these are two flaws that are still in progress of change. I will say that 3 is almost complete. To get over the fact of saying I can't live without a man, means I have to completely except my situation and be thankful and happy for the things I do have. And to be happy no matter what. It's only difficult because I've never been one of those chicks that enjoys being alone. I want what the average woman wants. A Husband, a big family and happiness till the end of my days. As for 4 there are some restrictions that are currently holding me back on buying my own house other than waiting for my husband. One is my credit. Its pretty bad right now and I'm working on getting it better. Even if I was in a relationship I wouldn't want to go into my marriage with my debt. That's not fair to him. And I had to get out of the mind set that owning a home is only for FAMILIES. A single woman can own a 5 bedroom house if she chooses to. These are just a few of my flaws and I accept them and working to change them to better my future and to see my dreams come true.

Thanks for reading.

Wedding Coma

The last few weeks have been crazy. I'm so glad Jessica's wedding is over but not to happy about getting ready for another next year for my friend Krystal. I already feel like opting out lol. I spent $325.00 for a dress that I'm only going to wear once. What kind of crap is that. That's now my 3rd bridesmaid dress I've collected. This coming Saturday is Krystal's bridal meetup. I'm already feeling exhausted. I'm soooo freaken sleepy. Since Vegas I feel like I haven't really slept. Something was always planned every weekend so I always got up early and went to bed very late. Jessica's wedding was this past Sunday, and from the moment I walked down the isle....All I could think about was going home and going to bed lol. I'm still driving to work every morning sleepy. I pray I get some rest soon. I know I'll probably be in a coma for a day or two.

Sleep Driving: A Dangerous Combination

For the past week since I've gotten back from Las Vegas, I feel like I haven't gotten a decent night of sleep and everytime I get on the road I litterally feel like I swallowed sleeping pills. My eye lids become really heavy next thing you know I feel my head drift down and my car shift to the right or left. I know this is dangerous. So I slap my face...it doesn't work. I turn up the music.....it doesn't work. I roll down my windows...it doesn't work. Only option is to call someone on the phone to help keep me up.

Dialing lil sister....Ring, Ring, Ring (NO ANSWER).....Next

Dialing friend Jessie.....Ring, Ring, Ring (NO ANSWER).......Next

Dialing Cousin Neka....Ring..."Hello TERRICA"

Hooray.....salvation at last. My cousin's husband Seville answered the phone. He told me my cousin was in the shower but he would keep me company until she got out. He made me laugh. I hadn't even noticed that I was no longer yawning. By the way I yawned so much yesterday my jaw is sore lol. I pretty much yawned every 20 seconds. So this morning I'm still feeling the same way. I called my lil sister and she talked to me until I made it to work. I'm hoping I'm wide awake by the time I get off work.

Carpool Violation

Today I got my first F%^$ carpool violation ticket because I was driving in the carpool lane solo this morning on my way to work. When that damn cop jumped behind me and turned her lights on, I felt my soul drop lol. I was soooo ANGRY and SAD lol all at the same time. Now I knew it was my fault. There is no excuse for it. I simply got caught. But damn, knowing that I have to pay probably $400 on a ticket in a the next few weeks just destroys my entire week. Its strange. I had always driven in the carpool lane solo, I'm not one of the persons that thought I would never get a ticket, I would just pray I didn't get one lol. Now why would God want to help me break the law. Anyway......suddenly friends and family started telling me they had recently gotten a carpool violation ticket. Something told me this was a sign and that I needed to stop doing it before I finally get caught.....I did stop for a minute. But this morning I was rushing to help my boss get setup for a meeting and I was running late. After being pulled over and waiting on her to write the ticket I was really late after that. Another thing that was so annoying was how freaken nice the cop was. She was all curtious saying " Good Morning Miss, don't want to take up too much of your time this morning. I'll be quick as possible and get this info jotted down for you" I'm looking at her like she is the freaken devil by the way lol. She didnt' even give me a chance to beg for mercy lol. I would have too if she allowed me to talk. I just wanted to cry = (   Something told me I should have bought a blow up dummy for the front seat!

Astrology Part 2 (Lady Ram)

Last week I talk a little about the strenghts and the weaknesses of my personality according to the characteristics of an aries. You have to admit, it's hard to hear bad things about yourself and except them.

I found some hot, sexy, interesting and some what scary things about the Aries woman lol. I hope this doesn't scare Mr Quiet away because I really like him and he does read my blog lol. Just read up above where it says I'm Easy 2 Love if you start feeling unsure about me Mr Quiet lol! Ok Listen up:

If you fall in love with an Aries woman, you'll never lack for excitement. But are you the kind of man who can handle a full-blooded independent, forceful female? Because that's what Aries woman is.
This passionate, intense creature can't give a tepid response. She's a fully stocked fireplace, with logs, kindling, and paper, waiting for the touch of a match to set her on fire.

In her relations with men she is domineering. You can either accept it or leave. If you stay, you've made the first concession on a long road. At the end, you're likely to find you've been molded and shaped to fit her image of what her love should be.

What Aries woman wants, she gets. When a man meets an irresistible force like her, he tends to become a highly movable object.

She needs love and gets more than her share, but no man becomes her lord and master. She meets a man on equal terms. If he offers loyalty, she repays him in kind. If he is untrustworthy, she also repays him in kind.

In love she will be faithful, but she expects total fidelity in return. Her jealousy is rooted in possessiveness. She doesn't want a lover who has too many other interests. She wants all of him—or nothing at all.

There is an important distinction to make about her jealousy that may be useful in helping to understand her fundamental character. She isn't jealous because of a feeling of insecurity (the root cause of most jealousy, but because she has to be number one.

The Aries woman finds happiness in a long term relationship. She enjoys sharing everything with a lover and she is highly affectionate, even sentimental. She will be your staunchest ally, fight side by side with you, believe in you, encourage you. She's a marvelous companion for a man on the way up or fighting to stay at the top because she'll give him all the strength and determination she has. She's definitely ambitious.

When she does not feel she is loved she can become shrill and demanding. Above all, she won't tolerate being ignored or neglected. The straight road to perdition is a relationship with an unhappy Aries woman.

She wants to be understood and appreciated for her unique qualities. If you handle her with tact and give her the admiration she needs, this vivacious, active, mischievous, sensual, fascinating woman will do anything you ask.

 



Do you believe in Astrology? (Part 1)

I have to admit, Astology does have a few things that seem to be correct about people including myself. I'm an Aries. Here are a few facts about Aries that I found:

STRENGTHS:

Independent, Generous, Optimistic, Enthusiastic, Courageous

WEAKNESSES:

Moody, Short tempered, Self Involved, Impulsive, Impatient

So far these do seem to match my personality exactly. Lets talk about the weaknesses first.
 
I am Moody and become moody out of no where. I hate that about myself but don't seem to have control over it. I could be having a wonderful day and all of a sudden I got a major attitude problem lol. When I get like that I usually dont like anyone to say ANYTHING to me. Just shut up and leave me along. The worst question you can ask me when I'm being moody is "What's wrong?" OMG I go crazy when people ask me that. I don't know why it drives me up the wall but it does.
As for short tempered I would have to disagree.

Adjectiveshort-tempered (comparative more short-tempered, superlative most short-tempered)

1.Of or pertaining to a person who is easily angered, who is known to frequently lose his or her temper.

  I'm not easily angured. I can be sometimes when it comes Stupidity, but other than that I'm not short tempered. I'm a very blunt person and can handle a lot before I blow my top. When I get upset I cry, and since I don't like folks to see me cry when I'm mad I try to refrain from getting so upset. For example, if I get in a fight, I'll be crying and kicking your butt at the same time LOL!
 
The Self Involved part sort of bothers me.

self-in·volved (slfn-vlvd)

adj.
Absorbed primarily or only in one's own interests or activities

Not true for me either but I will say if I have a lot going on I tend to put myself first to get what I need to get done. I don't see anything wrong with that lol.

Impulsive....hmmmm......

im·pul·sive (m-plsv)

adj.

1. Inclined to act on impulse rather than thought.

2. Motivated by or resulting from impulse: such impulsive acts as hugging strangers; impulsive generosity. See Synonyms at spontaneous.

I guess lol.

Impatient..... No need for a definition, I am very impatient. I'm ALWAYS ontime IF I want to be lol. I can't stand waiting on people. But I don't let it bother me to the point where I say something to somone for being LATE lol. So I try not to let it bother me but it does. Samething when it comes to work. If I'm working on a project that involves others I'm impatient if I finish my part first and I'm still waiting on them. I'd end up doing the whole thing myself. They say woman take longer than men when getting ready, well I'm not one of those ladies. However I know that patience is a virtue and this is something I've asked God to work with me on and I've gotten a lot better.

As for all of the STRENGTHS, I'm all of that and more LOL! The one that stands out the most to me is Independent. I've very independent and have always been. But some can see this as a bad thing. Like Men... my expeirence as shown me that some men don't like independent woman. I guess its because they feel like we don't need them or make them feel like they are not needed. But that's not true. I need a man and show my man that he's needed, but I'll also say if he decides to up and leave I do just fine without him.

More talk on Astrology and Me as an Aries coming soon!

To Be Continued.....

The Date

Last Saturday night I had my 3rd date with a new friend who I like to call Mr Quiet lol. He is a very quiet guy. This is actually a first for me. I've never been interested in a guy that's quiet like him but its intersting. He treated me to dinner and a movie for my birthday. We went to my favorite restuarant call The Old Spaghetti Factory, and after dinner we saw a movie "Act Like A Woman, Think Like A Man" which by the way is SOOOO good. I did get Mr Quiet to talk a lil more than he did the last time we went out lol. He still hasn't asked much about me but I suspect that will come a lil later. Even though we've been out 2 times before this date, it still felt like our first date. I still had butterflies in my stomach before seeing him. I still was nervous during dinner lol. It reminds me of the movie 50 First Dates lol, Which I think is so cute and funny. I still have a lot of unanswered questions but I realize that's just going to take some time to get them answered.

While watching the movie, which is about dating, a few of questions popped up in my mind such as: At what point do you know your dating someone? When you date is it ok to date multiple people? What the heck is dating? LOL

Tic Toc Tic Toc

Tic Toc Tic Toc, the clock is ticking and in just 4 more days I'll be 32 years old on April 17th. I didn't get to make big plans for my birthday this year, due to a friend of mine getting married and me planning her bachelorette party in Las Vegas. So next Friday I've scheduled a dinner with all my close home girls at a restaurant called Simply Fondu. And I have a birthday DATE that following Saturday with a new guy friend that I'm very excited about.

I'm trying to stop beating myself up about my life not being where I want it to be by the time I turned 30. I realize that trying to plan your life out really is IMPOSSIBLE lol. Yet I still make attempts and find my self very disappointed with the end results. I know there is a reason why my life is the way it is but I don't why. I wish I could call up God on the phone and ask him a few questions. Don't get me wrong I'm not completely unhappy with my life just certain things.

I've decided to make my 32nd year of life a good one NO MATTER WHAT.... Ha Ha...yeah right, that'll be happening lol. Ok, ok..... I'm going to try very hard to make my 32nd year a good one. My first attempt is to get out of the house. I haven't been out in a while. Money is always tight so it causes me to stay home but I know I can try harder to get out of the house...even if its just to go and visit a friend for FREE lol! I don't have any other ideas for my 32nd year other than continue to smile and thank God for every morning I wake up. 

Thanks for Reading

Me & Kobe

Kobe blew a tire last week. He not only blew a tire but it came off the freaken rim. Oh by the way Kobe is my car. My little silver Scion XB or toaster on wheels as others call it. I was driving about 35 mph when I hit something in the road and all of a sudden I see my tire rolling down the street in front of me lol and sparks are flaming on the right side of me and I realize I'm driving on my rim. Thank God I didn't get into an accident and I didn't completely destroy my rim. Its just scratched pretty bad. But due to my expensive tire and waiting for pay day I'm riding on my spare and can only drive as fast as 55 mph which isn't fun at all especially on the free way. Its been a rough week. They say when it rains it pours. I'm trying so hard to stay positive and not be negative. But it can be so hard at times. As I was getting into my car this morning to drive to my co-workers house for a ride to work I was disgusted with myself with how Kobe looks. he's not clean and I haven't kept my promise to him as to getting him fixed up. A few years ago I joined a car club called Scikotics. They sort of fell apart and I became Vice President over the Contra Cost Chapter then the President of our chapter completely dropped off the face of the earth leaving me all alone with the chapter and I still didn't know everyone that well. So the chapter fell apart. My car never got fixed up or had any modifications done to it except a nice exhaust put in. And I'm sort of irritated that I still have not been able to fix my car up the way I've wanted to for example I wanted to put led lights underneath the car, suicide doors in the back and butterfly doors in the front etc...I could go on and on. But like I said when it rains it pours. I haven't been able to put my money aside to fix things on my car. Something is always happening. Last year I collected a dental bill of $4,000.00 which I'm still paying off. Thank God I have about $400.00 left then I'm done, but that put a huge dent in my pocket, not to mention taxes etc. So my poor Kobe got put on the back burner. I'm thinking of joining another car club called Scion Apocalypse, but I don't want to join them until I get a few things fixed on my car like a paint job, new rims, and new grill and at least some small interior work done. When you show up to these groups its pretty embarrassing to show up with a plain car and everyone's ride is decked out like The Fast & The Furious LOL! So much to do and so little time. Write a book, get in school for film, work on car, Hmmmmm what to do...what to do....(If only I could stumble across a million dollars all my problems would be solved lol!) Here is a picture of my "Kobe".

Back in the day!

I wish I was born back in the old days. Back in the 1900's when women really understood what it meant to respect a man and treat a man like a man. When men knew how to be man and knew how to treat woman and take care of them. When woman knew their place and knew how to let a man be a man. Back in the day woman respected a man simply because he took care of his family. Because he PROVIDED. He made sure food was on the table and a roof was over their heads. That's all the respect that he needed. But now that a woman can do that herself today too we've taken that type of respect away from a man. Today a woman respects a man for all these small stupid things in my opinion and I'll admit I do it too. We respect a man because he's smart, funny, cute, sweet, respectful, because he respects us, because he treats us as equals blah blah blah. Now we have all this equal stuff and I'm glad for us but it has changed a lot in our world and it has changed our men believe it or not. I also miss on how easy things were back in the old days when it came to dating and marriage. Men weren't afraid of marriage like a lot of men are today. A lot of them see it as a trap or don't think they should complicate their relationship by getting married. Dating is even difficult. Things were simple and straight to the point back in the day. You didn't have to read between the lines. Men weren't afraid to say what they wanted to say and tell you what they wanted from you. Today you have to be a mind reader or play 50 questions. There are all these dang rules to follow and everything seems so damn complicated. Old people who are still married after 60 years and are still happily in love are so lucky. If you talk to them, they would tell you how easy things were in their days and how complicated we are in ours. We are just so different today. I can't imagine what our world will be like in another 100 years. I wish I was born back in the old days.

Always A Friend, Never A Girlfriend

As I mentioned back in January, I've been working on a book titled: "Always A Friend, Never A Girlfriend"

This book is about my life experience with being single and how I started out in High School as the home-girl to most of the popular guys in school. My cousin Nek was actually the person to bring it to my attention that she noticed how close I was with all the guys back in High School. I remember some girls even using me to get to guys. I don't think I've ever given much thought to the kind of position I was in. I think during that time of my life, I just enjoyed that I could hang with the guys and they talked around me freely as if I was one of them. The only time it became a problem was if I became attracted to one of them. That's when I learned that in most cases these guys could only see me as a friend and never a girlfriend. The older I got the more annoying this became. I'm thankful that I have a personality that most guys love about me, but it sucks when they can't see past that. The typical line I hear after spending some time with a new guys is " Terrica your hella cool, I've never kicked it with a female like you and had such a cool time and wasn't annoyed by you, Your like the lil sister or home-girl I never had"

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad these guys feel this way around me, but after a while of ALWAYS hearing this, it becomes really annoying. I think I'm developing a phobia. When I meet a new guy that I may be attracted to, I'm terrified thinking that he's only going to see me as a friend. I've never been a tomboy so I'm not sure what it is about me that guys find so home-girly lol. Lets see, my favorite sport is boxing, I love movies and have a DVD collection over a thousand. I'm a social butterfly and love being goofy and silly at times. I like to make people laugh and always want people to feel comfortable around me. To me these sound like normal characteristics. One of my guy best friends Justin told me that when a guy meets me and sees how cool I am to be around they don't want to destroy our friendship by trying to date me. But I say to the men...."Wouldn't you want the best of both worlds?" You could have your cake and eat it too. So through-out my life there have been a few guys I met, and in the beginning I was immediately attracted to them, however the put me in the friend zone an kept me there. So I decided to write a book to tell the tale of Terrica Shervon Smith and her amazing life as the HOMEGIRL. It's pretty funny and even sad at times. I just hope it doesn't take me forever to finish it. Writing a book isn't easy. Its a lot of work and requires a lot of time. I've never done this before but I have a good feeling that this book could turn out to be pretty good and maybe become a movie some day. So keep me in your prayers my friendly readers. See ya back her next week.

Sleeplessness

Most of my family and friends know that I struggle with sleeping. What they don't know is the effect that it has on me. So I've decided to let you in on what I experience pretty much EVERY night.

Since I was a little girl, maybe about 6 to 8 when my mother use to make me and my siblings take naps at 12 Noon, I had always struggled with sleep. My mom would make us lay down and and said we had to sleep for at least 2 hours. Can you imagine what its like for a 6 year old girl to lay in a bed for two ours, tossing and turning? Words can't describe how I felt lying in the bed wishing I could fall asleep. My twin sisters and younger brother didn't have this issue. They would be out in seconds, but not me. My mom knew this because she would walk into the room about every 10 to 15 minutes and say "Terrica you better go to sleep or you not getting out of that bed!" And trust me she meant it. So I had to pretend to sleep. I would just close my eyes and wait till I heard my brother get up. His room was close to mine. We only took naps in the summer. I think this was a way for my mom to clear her head for the day and get things done without 4 kids nagging her all day. I remember thinking how sad I would get when it got close to noon because I knew it would be time for a nap. I even recall crying in the bathroom once because I didn't feel like laying and pretending. Sometimes I fell asleep while I was pretending but most of the time I didn't. I can't remember too much of how I slept at night. My memories for night sleep come back during my years in Jr High and High School. My mom was always strict about bed time during my years in school. 8:30 was bed time for us. In High School I finally got my own phone line and to me it was sort of a life saver. Because I didn't worry about tossing all night, I usually always had a friend to talk to over the phone really late at night. Of course I had to be sneaky because my mom didn't allow me on the phone after a certain time on school nights. My old high school best friend Johnny B use to stay on the phone with me all night. We even fell asleep on the phone. He snored but not really loud, but something about having the sound of him sleeping in my ear help me fall asleep at times. Time went on, I got older and falling asleep got even worse. I started buying sleeping pills over the counter but those would only help for so long. I would end up swallowing more that 12 pills at a time before I would feel sleepy. I knew that wasn't healthy so I would stop buying them for a few months then start back up again. Then I started doing research on my issue when I noticed how traumatized I would become when I knew the day was coming to an end and that it would be bed time soon. I would get so depressed thinking about how I knew I would'nt be able to sleep. So I did some research on the internet, and took a few sleep classes. I tried everything they suggested but nothing worked.

1. Making sure I went to bed at the same time every night
2. taking my TV out of my bedroom
3. not laying in bed all day and only getting in my bed when it was time to sleep
4. taking a hot bath before bed
5. drinking warm milk
6. reading a book
7. crocheting
8. stretching
9. meditation
10. counting
11. noting eating sweets or food a few hours before bedtime.
12. not drinking wine (which by the way I use to have a glass at night thinking it would help but read its the worse thing you could do before bed)
13. Listening to soft music (jazz, sleep, Cd's etc)

I can go on and on. Just because you don't see it listed doesn't mean I haven't tried it. NONE of these things ever helped. Maybe it helped for a few days but it never lasted and I could never figure out why. Its one of the most annoying issues I've ever had to deal with in my life. Its so depressing when your up at 4am in the morning and you know that most of the world is sleeping. At the times that I was in a relationship and living with a guy, my sleep sort of improved. I slept better when I was cuddled up with my man. When the relationship ended and he was no longer in my bed, sleeping became difficult again. My doctor has prescribed sleep medications but they are all addicting. You have no idea what it feels like to come off a medication and go through withdrawals. It's a horrible thing to experience and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I've done things like:

1. Bye a new bed
2. bye better pillows

But that only helped for so long too.

On average I sleep about 2 hours a night. On a good night I may get 6 hours of sleep, and that's probably only twice a month that I get a good night of sleep. I even have gone 2 days with no sleep at all. I would be at work and feel so drained and tired and the minute I get home and lay down I'd be wide awake like a freaken Owl. I know I'm reaching the point that not sleeping is effecting my health, my only other option is to talk to my Dr about it once again and get back on medication which I fear doing. Today I came into work at 6am my normal start time is 8:30. I couldn't sleep so I figured I might as well go to work. And now its 7:18 am and I'm already feeling drowsy and tired. I've yawned so much my jaws are sore. But I'm familiar with this routine. When I get home I'll try to keep busy till about 8pm and lay down and go to bed, but then my mind will be all over the place and I'll be wide awake, tossing and turning. This is my life, this is what I experience every single day. I can only hope that a solution comes soon. Keep me in prayer readers.

What's A Date to You?

Ok I wasn't going to blog until next week, because I've been dealing with a migraine, writers block and all this other stuff but I changed my mind and I'm back. 

What's A Date To You?

For me there is really only one thing that makes a date A DATE to me lol. And that is.....the guy picks me up from my house. Ok now before you get all crazy on me, If your a guy that has taken me out, please don't think that because you didn't pick me up from home that it wasn't a date. I'm simply trying to express that I've never been picked up for a date. I know that we live in different and dangerous days than we did back in the 50's and 60's. Back then, you could meet a stranger and give him your address and didn't fear for your life, that he'd stalk you, rape you, or even murder you at your OWN house. But sadly today, this is one of those things we have to worry about today and you know WHAT?? That freaken sucks big time to me. Because that means I will never have what I consider to be a real date. I want to know what its like for the guy to knock on your front door with flowers and ask you if your ready to go. he walks you to the car and opens the door for you. You arrive at your destination and he gets out and run to open the car door to let you out (by the way that part of chivalry went out the door decades ago lol).....lets fast forward....you arrive back home and he walks you up to your door and you have that awkward moment of does he deserve a kiss on the lip, the cheek or worse.... the hug or hand shake. It makes me sad to think I'll never have a real date anymore. Every date I've been on, I ended up driving and meeting my date at the location we agreed on. That's ok, but for once it would be nice to experience that old school chivalry. What's A Date to You? Leave your comments below.

V Day....Dead Week

Glad Valentines Day is over. All the Facebook updates from friends and family made me sick to my stomach. I'm getting over a 3 day migraine. So I'll post next week.

Picky Picky! But not anymore

This is a post long over due and I've dreaded even putting it up because honestly I don't care to hear too many opinions on it. But here we go....

I have been told that I'm too picky when comes to dating a guy and I would have to disagree. About 5 years ago I would say that anyone who said that to me was probably correct...because 5 years ago I was picky. Here was my criteria for the type of guy I wanted to date 5 years ago:

He had to be light skinned (I was only attracted to African American light skinned males and didn't date outside my race)

He had to be taller than me (I'm 5 feet so the idea of dating someone my hieight or shorter was out of the question lol)

He had to have because color eyes (hazel, green...it didn't matter as long as they were colored)

He had to have a nice body (I don't even have a great body, what the heck was I doing saying someone should have one lol....Oh well....my mistake lol)

He had to have a decent JOB (As long as it wasn't working at McDonalds at the age of 25 and up it was ok)

He had to have a NICE car (I didn't care what kind, just as long as it wasn't a bucket)

He couldn't have ANY kids (I didn't even have kids)

He had to have some type of college education, some goals and dreams (something that let me know he wasn't a complete idiot)

He had to be a christian and go to church

He had to have a good relationship with his family

He had to be at least my age or maybe 5 years older. No more than 5 and he could only be 1 year younger.

He had to have his own apartment (I was ok with him living with a room mate but not staying at moms place)

I could go on and on. I was VERY picky back then. I guess I figured if I'm going to date, then why not date exactly what I want. But I was young and dumb. The older I got the more I realized what world I was living in and it was the land of Terrica gets what EVER she wants lol. It was the real world. So today this is my criteria for the type of guy I want to date:

He has to be a christian and go to church (Its difficult to date outside of my religion and it can cause problems down the line so I get this one out of the way first)

He can't be 6-10 years younger than me. (I'm currently 31 and my sister tried to hook me up with a 21 year old) I've dated men younger than me and none of them worked out, so lets just say warning comes before destruction. I can do about 5 years younger but no more than that. As for older my limit is 45. My mom is currently 50 anything near her age is just too weird lol.

THAT'S IT (Now is that picky?) If your answer is YES...then bite me!

I will say a lot of those other items still pop up every now and then but it changes as I meet different guys. I'm a lot more understanding. Although I would like to date a guy with no kids its OK that he has children as long as he wants more with me because I don't have any. I can manage a man living at home with his mom (But it better have a GOOD explanation behind it lol) I don't care what kind of car he drives anymore. If it gets him from A to B that's alright with me. Times are hard and not everyone can afford some fancy expensive car. I use to never be interested in dating outside of my race but that's no longer an issue. Having a job can be a problem, especially if he can't take me out or if I'm always the one paying but like I said, times are hard right now. Jobs are very hard to find so I'm more understanding in this area. I don't care about the relationship he has with his family as long as he's a decent person and treats people with respect. As for his looks, that topic can be a bit tricky; however as long as he's sexy in my eyes I don't care what anyone else thinks. But he does have to appeal to my eye. I can't really say anymore, I just know when I'm attracted to a guy. I'm no longer picky on body size (However he can't be 400 pounds over weight and bound to his couch at home....by the way that has happened to me before lol meeting a guy over the internet...that's another story) So I don't consider myself picky anymore. But everyone has to agree that we all have some standards. Because of how this world is, we all have a different opinion on what's beautiful or ugly to us. I wish we all could see ourselves and others the way God see's us all which is Beautiful.

Not My Week

Hello Readers,

This week hasn't been going so well. After battling a Migraine last week, this week I've been dealing with a pinch nerve in my knee and let me be the first to tell you that it HURTS like hell! I'm not sure how I injured my knee but I haven't been to sleep for the last two days. I didn't sleep at all last night and and Tuesday night I slept for about 45 min. I get sharp pains that make me jump all through the day and night, along with a numb and prickly feeling in my knee on top of that my knee feels like its on fire. The only time I feel better is when I walk. I met with my Dr last week about it and she said unfortunately nerves have to heal on their own or sometimes they don't heal at all. Yesterday and today the pain has gotten worst. I'm at work right now and I'm so irritated from the pain and I'm SO Darn sleepy. But sleep is not an option because when I lay down it gets worse because I'm no longer moving. I cried like a baby last night because I couldn't find anyone to drive me to the ER : ( I looked up pinched nerves in the knee on the internet today and found the only other solution is a cortisone shot in the knee. OUCH! There is NO way I can go through that. I'm terrified of needles and from what I've read so far that shot really hurts. I emailed my doctor today asking her for pain meds. I pray she gets back to me today. I don't think I can stand another night of pain. I've tried Tylenol, aspirin Advil and nothing helps. Hopefully next week I'll feel better and have better things to talk about. Stay tuned for next week and have a great weekend everyone!

My Story With Depression

I recently started following a blog titled "We Have To Make It"

It's about a young girl suffering from Depression. Through her blog I visited some of her members blogs who also have blogs about depression. So this post is dedicated to my new blog Friend MakingIt20.

Her blog and a few others that I have been reading has really weighed heavy on my heart the last few weeks. Sometimes when we are going through tough things in life, we feel like we are the only one in the world experiencing that pain and that no else is suffering like your suffering. Subconsciously we know that others in the world are going through things too, but when its happening to you it can feel like its only happening to you. I just wanted to take this time to tell those and my new friend that someone you don't know is out there praying for you and cares and this is my depression story.

Sometimes you look around and everyone seems to be so happy and to seem like that have it altogether. But in reality they don't. I've never suffered from the illness of Depression but I have certainly dealt with it from time to time. About three years ago I was really depressed about being single. So depressed that I didn't like going out especially with my friends that were in relationships. I stayed home every weekend. My day consisted of going to work and coming home and going straight to bed after taking a sleeping pill. I couldn't watch movies that were about relationships and love without crying. I hated hearing about my friends and their new boyfriends or them getting engaged. I hated seeing couples in public and most of ALL I HATED VALENTINES DAY! Actually I still hate that day, but deal with it a lot better lol. I was so depressed that I pretty much cried myself to sleep almost every night which highly contributed to my migraines every morning. I was so unhappy and couldn't for the life of me understand why such a sweet and funny gal like myself was still single. Why hadn't I met my match...why hadn't my hubby found me yet? I never felt suicidal but I didn't feel like I had a reason to live. I didn't care about other family members or friends missing me. After 2 years of dreading getting out of the bed every morning and dragging myself to work, throwing on this fake & phony smile I decided I needed to do something about it.That's when I heard about a video that was on Oprah called "The Secret". I got a hold of that video and it began to help pull me out of the depression I was in. I even took a few classes on motivation and living a positive life and started applying all that I learned to my christian life. I put up positive affirmations on my bathroom mirror and would say them to myself every time I went into my bathroom. Day by day I started feeling a little bit better. I learned that it felt better to imagine good things in my life happening to me then to sit and cry about the things that I didn't have. Today I'm no longer depressed about being single. From time to time I have moments where I sort of get sad but I remember that God loves me and he has my best interest at heart and he hasn't forgotten about me. I found hobbies to keep me busy like playing the piano which I love, crocheting, or working on a book that I'm writing and even blogging. So I just wanted to say to my new friend and others who are still suffering...to hang in there and don't give up. Continue to seek professional help and medication if you need it. And always remember that your not alone.

Don't Go See It!!! Trust Me!!

Hey Everyone,

My apologies that I didn't post last Friday. I was at home with a horrible Migraine on Wednesday and it didn't end till Friday afternoon. This Saturday my younger cousin begged me to go see the new movie out called: The Devil Inside....OMG. As of Saturday night I have vowed that I will NEVER watch another scary movie that has to deal with demonic possession or paranormal events. I'm a huge movie lover but these are the only movies that mess with my spirit and really frighten me. That movie scared the living crap out of me. I made my two younger cousins stay that night with me since I live alone. Even after everyone fell asleep I had trouble sleeping. Images kept flashing through my head and I kept waking up having to pray and try to go back to sleep. See the issues with those types of movies is that, a lot of people fail to realize that those issues are real. A person can be possessed and exorcism are performed around the world especially in the catholic religion. So those movies really bother me. Something kept telling me not to go see it but I ignored myself lol. And now I'm really paying for it. So when I woke up Sunday morning, I started looking through my DVD collection and I got rid of every moving that had to do with that type of stuff. I gave the movies to my cousins. They were happy to take them off my hands lol. As a christian that are some movies that we should be careful about watching as it bothers our spirit. Since I love movies so much I'm kind of hard headed when it comes to certain movies but I do pray before watching them. However I have seriously learned my lesson. So if those type of movies scare you then I would advise to avoid this movie at all cost, if not then knock yourself out lol!

OMG I finally hit my little Ten Followers

Thanks to all my new followers for helping me reach my first 10. I look at other blogs and see they have 500 or more followers and think to myself how in the world did they get that many followers. I can only pray that I'm blessed with a big number like that some day. I hope my blog continues to interest you, and please feel free to share it with others you think may be interested in reading and joining as well. Thanks again for your dedication, and remember I blog once a week usually on Friday's. Have a great week and see you back here on Friday.

"Tee"

Yes I'm Celibate

Cel·i·ba·cy (sl-b-s)

n.

1. Abstinence from sexual intercourse, especially by reason of religious vows.

2. The condition of being unmarried.

In case you didn't know I'm currently 31 and I've been celibate for about 7 years now. Now I don't go around shouting this out to the world but recently a very good conversation lead me to blogging about this topic. I'm a christian. Now I'm not perfect and there are still a lot of things God is working on with me like profanity which by the way is so much better considering how I was brought up and all the profanity that was around me. But anyway.....All Christians aren't perfect. We battle with day to day issues just like everyone else. We all go through trials and tribulations just like everyone else. But there does come a time in every Christians life where he/she hits a turning point and realize they need to change a lot of things in their life and start leading the life that God has called them to lead. And seven years ago I came across the same turning point. After a horrible heart break in a relationship I decided that I would never have sex again until it was with my husband. I even bought a brand new mattress to get rid of any soul ties I may have had in that bed lol. The only person that has been on my mattress is me. I don't even let men sit on my bed or enter my room anymore. But before I could make such a big decision like that, I had to do my research to back up my decision. I knew this would turn a lot of heads with friends and family members who weren't saved. And I knew they would beat me over the head and tell me I was crazy. So as I did my research I learned that sex was a gift from God to MARRIED COUPLES ONLY lol! I repeat....MARRIED COUPLES ONLY! You may ask why if you don't know, and the reason is, because God knew that marriage would be hard between a man and a woman, so he gave them a gift that would always bring them back to where they needed to be. But you see, this gift only works if you use it the correct way. Its a sin to have sex before marriage or just sleep around. Why do you think most marriages don't last, or some are so messed up, or a lot of these relationships such as girlfriend and boyfriends don't work out. In case you didn't know. Girlfriend and Boyfriend are not words in the bible. Only Husband and Wife. The bible says the only person you are to have sex with is your husband/wife. So when I realized that I was already messing up my future by having pre-marital sex I decided to stop and so I did. It wasn't easy in the beginning but now its a piece of cake. I don't need it and don't miss it at all. I'm excited about that moment I'm going to share with my husband when he knows that I've made such a strong decision. If I knew what I know now and I could take it all back, believe me I would have stayed a virgin. I lost my virginity at 17 which I think is a great age considering some kids are having sex at ages like 11 and up.

So now my only issue is dealing with the world and all the comments and remarks my non-religious friends & family have to say about it. And let me tell you its not easy. I've been asked if I was a lesbian, or if I'd been sexually abused lol. All kinds of craziness. Its hard defending yourself to people who don't understand the rules behind being a christian. But I know I've made the right decision and I know God will reward me for that. I don't know whats taking him so long to send me my hubby lol but I know I still got some growing to do...so I'll use this time to do just that.
By the way, God has made it very easy to get rid of men that come into my life that's not on the same level with me. I don't tell guys I'm celibate right away when I meet them. Its not until I develop a more personal relationship with them as to when I feel its time to tell them a bit more about me. But let me tell ya.....the minute I say I'm celibate, their eyes get big and they head for the door. And I just smile and say NEXT!!!! LOL!
So here is a message to the folks who just don't seem to understand Celibacy: It's a choice one chooses to make and let me tell you, unless your celibate and still a virgin, becoming celibate after years of experiencing sex is not easy. It takes a lot of strong will, prayer, dedication and devotion. We are not weirdo's because we choose to not sleep around. There is nothing mentally wrong with us. Not everyone is celibate for religious reasons, but for those who are: We've tapped into something that you may never understand. So don't beat up folks because of the decision they've made...instead respect them and congratulate them..because in the end the blessing that they will receive from God will be so worth the wait.

Thanks for reading: I hope I haven't offended anyone. I understand that are lots of religions out there and I respect them all. If this message has offended someone...I apologize sincerely.
"Tee"

It's 2012 Let's Get It Started!

Alright folks, its a new year. I know we all get tired of trying to make resolutions that most of the time never get completed. But SOOOO WHAT!! It doesn't make the time or year, you can always start fresh and work on ways to make your life better.

This New Years I partied HARD LOL! OMG My Aunty threw a party and I had so much fun. I danced till my legs ached and burned.

I'm excited about this year. I can feel a big change coming in my life. I'm not sure what it is, but I know I'll be much more happier this year. I plan to get out more, see more and do more. I do have resolutions to work on that I mentioned in my last post but I'm not going to beat myself up when December roles around and I didn't complete them. However that doesn't mean I'm not going to give it my all. So I advise you all to get excited about 2012 and tell yourself that this year will be YOUR YEAR! Do it all, see it all and try it all. Don't hold back. Lets Get It Started (Like MC Hammer said years ago lol!) Have a great year everyone, and look forward to my crazy posts for 2012!