When is Late too Late?

Often I hear women say my biological clock is ticking. I knew that meant they wanted children but I never understood the feeling until now. Now that I'm 30 years old, my life isn't where I thought it would be at 30. I had a planned image in my mind that by 26 my husband would find me, by 28 we'd be married and by 29 have my first child. So far I haven't accomplished any of these. People keep saying to me, don't worry about it, your still young and its never too late. But I don't want to be old with my kids. I love the fact that my crazy mother is young with me. She's 49 right now. I never thought I'd get the feeling of wanting kids but I do. A lot of friends and family say that can't see me being a mother. I'm not sure why that's said but I do want childern someday and hopefully not too late. I've read that as women reach their thirties, they experience a decline in fertility. Furthermore, complications during pregnancy are more common when women reach age 35. I have a few friends that have expierenced these problems in their thirties. It's a very difficult situation to deal with. So that's why I get a little upset when people say its never too late. When is late too late? I know not having a man/husband in my life really slows down the process of achieving this goal lol. Geez WHERE is he? What the heck is taking him so long? When he does arrive in my life, he's going to get slapped something serious for making me wait so long LMBO!!

3rd Wheel!

For the past 7 years of me being single, I've played the 3rd wheel, 6th wheel, 9th wheel and every odd number you can think of when it comes to hanging with couples. When you've been single for as long as I have you sort of avoid hanging with couples as much as possible. People who are NOT single, DON'T understand this.

Have you ever been the 3rd or 6th wheel? Have you hung out with a couple and watched them kiss, hold hands, hug, or stare into each others eyes? If you have, then you know where I'm coming from. You also know that this isn't always a comfortable situation to be apart of. You are aware that you can handle being around couples a few times a year but not all the time. You may also understand the frustration you get when friends want you to hang with them and their partner all the time. Now don't get me wrong. I'm glad that my friends are sweet enough to ask me if I'd like to attend an event with them and their partner, and I'm not writing this post asking them to stop asking me. What does bother me is the smart remarks I get if I decline the offer. So let me just put this out there for you folks in relationships that forgot about what it's like to be single. Here were go SINGLE 101:

1.) MONTH: Pay attention to the time of month you ask your friend to hang with couples or you and your man or woman. February is NOT the month to ask to hang out together if your friend is single. Even though Valentines day is only celebrated 1 day, the single people still have to deal with going to the stores and seeing them ambushed with Red and Pink items, candy, bears etc. In February I'm already feeling a little sad that I'm lonely once again this year and seeing all the valentine day objects EVERYWHERE YOU FREAKEN go can be hard to handle. So I don't want to hang with you and your man in this month AT ALL....PERIOD. Other holidays such as Thanksgiving, Christmas etc....all these holidays are a little tough to be around couples when your single.

2.) LOCATION: Going to the movies, out to dinner, and vacation resorts are not comfortable locations for single people to hang with a couples. At least it isn't for me LOL! Watching a couple hold hands next to me in the movies, watching my friend feed her man at dinner, or watching a couple fall in love all over again on the beach on vacation is not fun for me.

3.)JUST BECAUSE: There are times when you just don't want to be around couples just because you DON'T! Your just not in the mood for it. And friends should understand and not get attitudes and may comments like "you never want to do anything anymore." HEELLLLOOOOO.... I don't want to do anything with you and your man. Get the picture LOL?

I don't think this issue will change with me. I do know that I've gotten better over the years and can tolerate couples a lot better than I use to. But I still have my moments when I'm not in the mood. However this Friday my best friend has invited me to go out with her and her man and few more couples. She caught me on a good day, so I'm cool with it and looking forward to it. I'll tell you all about it soon!

CLOSE FRIENDS

I've been procrastinating about writing this post, but I can't hold it back anymore. About a month in a half ago I went to dinner with one of my "FORMER Friends...I think." After dinner we all went back to her place to kick it. We just hung out, watched tv and talked. About 1am I went home. She called me while I was driving home but I didn't hear my cell phone ring because my music was too loud. The next day I called her back but she didn't pick up. Later that night I text her but she didn't respond. The next day I texted again and called throughout the day and left messages but she never texted back, picked up the phone or called me back. This isn't like her at all. We may miss each others calls but we always call back later in the day. Days and weeks have gone by and still no response from her. It's now obvious to me that she is angry about something. I HAVE NO FREAKEN IDEA WHAT IT IS!!!! And its driving me insane, and I'm sure she knows it is. This is her amo! I've even emailed her and said " Hey what's going on, I haven't heard from you and you have me a little worried." I even left her my blog address. Still NO response back. The only reason I figured she is mad at me about something is because I know her personality and she's sort of done this before to another friend of mine. However that friends knew why they weren't talking. If she is mad enough she'll just cut you off and ignore you until she's ready to talk to you. What is bothering me is I thought we were really close friends and I thought she would at least give me the respect to approach me about it like an adult instead of leaving me in the dark about it. I can't tell you how annoying it is to be ignored by someone and I have no idea for the ignorance. I've gotten to the point where I had to take her picture down from my wall in my living room because every time I looked at her and I got mad. I'm soooo f&^%$ mad at her right now. If she was to call me now and say she was mad at me about something I'd truly flip out. Her actions right now are grounds for dismissal with our friendship. I don't think anything tragic has happened because I emailed a friend she works with on facebook and told her to tell (Blank) to call me. She responded back and said ok. The next day I emailed her again on FB and she hasn't responded back. Which leads me to believe that (Blank) has told her to ignore me and not respond back.

I know that people come into your life for a reason/season or a lifetime. I thought she was a lifetime friend, but it turns out it may have only been for a season. So what am I suppose to have learned from this? What was the reason for her coming into my life only to end our friendship in this odd way? When people say what happened between you and (Blank) my answer is, "I don't know, she just stop calling me." I've wanted to just go up to her job, but then I thought to myself, I'm not about to be tracking down someone who obviously isn't trying to be my friend anymore. I don't even want to give her that satisfaction. I'd probably snap on her at her job and cause a big A$$ scene and get her fired and I wouldn't want to do anything like that to her. So I've come to the conclusion that we are DONE, I GUESS! I'm not texting anymore and I'm not going fishing for the reason this happened. But DAMN, I never thought she'd ever do something like this. I can't tell you the countless hours I spent trying to think what I could have possibly done to make her this mad. And even if I did do something to make her mad, I deserve a lot more than this freaken silent treatment she's pulling.

And this is for you (Blank). If your reading this I just want to finally say that your actions are totally FUCKED UP! I thought you and I were hella cool and understood each other the way others couldn't understand us. You were just telling your co-workers that I was one of your close friends. Well is this the way you treat your CLOSE friends? I would have appreciated for you to be a woman and come to me RIGHT away and work out any problem you had with me. YOU KNOW ME!! I don't have ENEMIES! I could understand this silent treatment if I knew what you were mad about. So in closing, it was nice knowing you and I wish you all the best. I pray you learn from this and don't do this to another one of your CLOSE FRIENDS!

OMG It's HOT!!!!

Have you ever been so hot you just wanted to slap people for no reason? LOL. Ok as some of you may know, yesterday it was BURNING UP. It got to be 115 degrees in Concord. As I'm driving home ready for my nice cool house, I get a call from my little sister who is visiting from Washington that the power just went out in my complex. At that time it was 5:00pm. I get home and walk through my door....OMG, I swear it was like I stepped in an oven. I couldn't figure out which was hotter, outside or inside. A few of my sisters friends came by with a total of 6 kids and of course body heat makes it even worse. They were are playing in talking, and I'm sitting there with images in my head of slapping folks LMBO!!! We were drenched in sweat. So after her friends left, we all decided to go swimming. We all had a really fun time and it felt good to be so cooled off. I learned that only a few building in the complex had lost power and that the part needed to fix the problem was going to take until 1:00AM to fix. Are you reading this people one freaken AM! Are you serious? We have to endure this heat and no power all day? We swam till the pool closed lol at 10. We decided to go get something to eat a fast food place because of course I have an electric stove and couldn't cook anything. Here we are gathered around some candles on my living room table eating in the dark watching a movie on my laptop whose battery life was at half lol! My sister's husband decides to go to his mom's house and he took the two little one's with him.

Now let me tell you something folks....I don't know about you but I can't sleep in the heat. 3:00 am roles around and I decide to go outside and see what the PG&E guys were up to. They were all just SITTING around doing NOTHING!!!! HELLLOOOOOO, its freaken hot as hell, why are you just sitting there? So I decide to go charge my cell phone in my car because I needed the alarm to wake me up this morning for work. They had all their trucks parked behind my car so I couldn't leave. When they saw me, All of a sudden they all get up and start working. So me, my sister and my niece decide to sit in the car and run the ac while I was charging my phone and stare at the PG&E guys. The whole time we sat in our car they worked. The minute we went back inside the sat back down. I was so angry, If I had a gun you guys would have heard about it on the news and seen me sitting in a police car. Angry overheated black women KILLS 5 PG&E workers LOL LOL LOL!!! Finally I had no choice but to force myself to sleep. The PG&E didn't come back on until 5:24AM! That's nearly seven and a half hours with no power on the HOTTEST DAY EVER!!!!

(Oh yeah half the ice in my freezer melted. Thank God the kids drank all the milk lol)

Am I Strong?

What is Strength?

Definition: The quality or state of being strong; ability to do or to bear; capacity for exertion or endurance, whether physical, intellectual, or moral; force; vigor; power; as, strength of body or of the arm; strength of mind, of memory, or of judgment.

I've been told by several people that I'm a strong women, or that I have a lot of strength in me. There was a time when I had a hard time understanding what people saw in me to characterize me as strong. What stood out the most is that, when they told me I was a strong person, it was always behind me giving them advice or support with their problems. Giving good advice or helping and supporting someone through their issues has to do more with wisdom if you ask me. However; if I take on their problem and I'm able to bear it, then that is the correct time to say I'm a strong person.
But there is a reason for this post today. I want people to understand that although there is strength in me, it does wear thin at times and I don't have it all together. I'm thankful that God made me such a strong woman to endure and bear the weight of my family and friends issues and problems. I'd probably be mentally insane if I wasn't able to stand strong in the midst of other people's storms. However I face storms too. My storm/problem may be significantly different from yours but its still a storm for me too. I feel as though a lot of people see the strength in me and forget that I'm human too. Some think I have it all together, nothing gets me down and I can handle and tackle every problem that comes my way. But I'm here to tell you THAT'S NOT TRUE!
I want to tell you to be mindful and empathetic to the strength you see in a friend of family member that you need help from. Pray for that person first before you seek their help and guidance, especially if you know that your about to lay something heavy upon them. Ask God to speak through them in order to guide you, and give you the same strength you see in them. This way your not just taking from this person what you need and moving on but your helping them out too through your prayer.
And last here is some wisdom just for you: Always remember that God wants you to understand 3 things during your storm: The Purpose, His Presence, and His Power. If you can discover and understand those 3 points he'll get you any storm!

How RUDE!

I swear there are really some RUDE people in this world. They say the rudest things and ask the rudest questions. It makes me wonder what their parents are like. Let me give you a few reason's why I'm writting this post. 1.) I'm coming out of a store and and a old friend/girlfriend of one of my cousins, walks up to me and AUTOMATICALLY starts rubbing my belly and say "Oh my goodness, how many months are you?" WTF!!!! As she continues to rub my stomach I look down at my stomach and say "0 months." She moves back and her mouth drops. I said "that's just belly fat, and what you did was really rude. You lucky I don't slap you for that one!" She puts her hand over her mouth and say "Oh my god I'm soooo sorry!" By this point her apology is not even being excepted as far as I'm concerned lol. Goodness, what is wrong with people. I know I'm a big girl but I don't have a perfect pregnant belly shape. Those who know me, can tell this clear as day lol! You know what? We should have the right to slap the crap out of people when they say or ask you rude and dumb questions. It should be a law lol. Think about it....Someone comes up to you and says something rude and you just take your hand and slap the dop crap out of them LMBO!!! Haahahahahaha!! I LOVE IT! Ok second story. 2.) I'm at the sea food festival walking around with a friend. Going to the sea food festival every year is like going to your high school reunion. You see just about everyone you graduated with. So I'm minding my business and walking, and an old high school friend comes up to me and says "Oh my God, you got Sooooo BIG!" There have only been a few moments in my life, where I was literally speechless. THIS is one of the MOMENTS! Hmmmmmm. What do you say to that? Did she expect me to smile and say "YEAH I did, thanks for noticeing girl!" With exthusiasum in my voice lol! Yeah right! Suddenly I see myself slapping the crap out of her lol. But this is just an illusion and a thought in my head unfortunately. So as I gain my dignity back, I look at her with such evil in my eys and all I could say is "How Rude!" Next year when I go to the sea food festival, I'm going to make me a homy the clown sock LMBO! And I can't wait for some idiot to approach me with a rude statement or question. I'm just going to smile and take my sock and swing it upside their head and say "Homey Don't Play That!" LOL!!

What A Dumb Question!

Ever heard the phrase.."Don't be afraid to ask a dumb question" Hmmmmm I think some people have taken this statement for granted lol. The number one Dumb question that I hate being asked, especially by a person who is smaller than me is....."Do I look fat to you?" HELLO PEOPLE!!! Don't ask a person bigger than you if your FAT. GEEEZZ don't you know how dumb and rude that is? Of course they are going to say NO. DUH they are bigger than you. Did you ever stop to think how you'd make that person feel asking that question? Sadly I have plenty of friends who have asked me this question. If your reading this, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE LMBO!!! I've told these friends over and over to not ask me that question, but they still do it lol! Your lucky I love YA lol.

ALWAYS a Friend, NEVER a Girlfriend. A Blessing and A Curse!

Most of my adult life, I've always been considered the Home Girl to all my guy friends and to every new guy I meet. For some reason most of the men I meet just can't see past me being their home girl, aka (friend). Guys meet me and say..."You hella cool to kick it with, or I've never been around a girl as cool as you." " Your like one of the home boys. Now for those of you who don't know me I'm not a tomboy. I do dress like a girl, I wear makeup and I act like your average chick. There are a few things that guys seem to love about me. They love that I'm a movie buff. I have over 1000 DVD's, and my favorite sport is boxing. That is about the only thing that is some what tomboyish of me. I'm also told by guys that I have a hella cool personality to be around, I'm funny and always make them laugh, and that they have no problem opening up and talking to me. Most guys tell me that girls can be annoying to be around after a few hours; however they don't feel that way when they are around me. I would think that if a guy loved all of this about me, shouldn't he want to date me? If they enjoy my company and feel comfortable with me as they would with one of their boys; wouldn't that be the ideal partner to have in a relationship? All that makes common sense to me, but when it comes to what a guy thinks....NO NO NO (I'm just their home girl) aka (their friend). This situation is sort of bitter sweet. Bitter in a way that a guy can't see past the home girl status to like me as a potential partner, but sweet in a way they can relate to me as one of their home boys and loves and enjoys my company. This is truly a blessing and a curse. So I ask you readers. What is a girl to do in a situation like this? I can't tell you how many guys I've met that I found interesting enough for me to like them or want to date them, but instead I become the homey and they are asking me to hook them up with my girl friends. It always hurts inside, because I'm never given that chance that's given to other girls. I'm never able to show them the side of me that they could possibly come to love.
I'm Greatful for the guy friends that I have, and I'm glad that I can be that girl they can talk to about anything. But when will it be my turn? When will I be the girl on the other side of the fence? When will that one guy come along and love everything about me and chooses me to be the love of his life? When will he see that I'm Easy 2 Love? I guess only time will tell. Till next time my fellow readers!

Did he REALLY just say that?

Ok..finshing up where I left off. He calls me back, and he's still sitting in my parking lot asking me again if I'll let him stay the night. He tells me that he'll sleep on the couch lol. As if I've given him an option to sleep in my bed...YEAH RIGHT! I tell him, he should have started his car a long time ago and been on the road by now. He complains about how sleepy he is so I told him, I'll talk to you while you drive so you can stay awake. He says " I'm going to come over on saturday and make love to you." WTF?? Did he REALLY just say that? By this point I'm thinking to myself...Awww poor thing is so darn sleepy, he's becoming dillusional lol! As I continued laughing in his EAR. He decides to go into detail about how he's going to make sweet love to me. After he finishes his sad description he says "ok?" Ummm yeah sure that'll be happening LMBO!! I told him "don't be upset when it doesn't happen." And he's all...."Just say ok." And through my laughter all I can say is "YEAH SURE." To be honest I really thought he was jokeing till he texted me on that saturday evening saying (so we still kicking it tonight?) Was he for real? HA HA HA. I texted back and say sorry I'm going out with my aunts. He texted back and say "Yep." Not really sure of what that text meant, but my guess is he's a little pissed off right now. I'm wondering if I'm being tested to see if I'll give in and break my celibacy. But let me tell ya, after being celibate for 5 years....A guy could kiss me in all the right spots and he STILL couldn't hit it!

OMG!!! He's Back

DANG...I thought that bootie call dude was going away. BOY was I wrong. So a few nights ago I get a late night text from him once again. He ask me if he can come over and see me. WHY IN THE WORLD DID I SAY YES???? LOL Lets just say it was peer pressure or a lack of blood flow to my brain lol. So after I took a shower I texted him back and said he could come over. He showed up, and I led him to the couch, and I sat on the other couch. We talked for a minute and he said "aren't you going to give me the grand tour?" I'm thinking to myself....Umm your in a 1 bedroom apartment...what GRAND tour are you talking about lol! So I got up and pointed to my kitchen and dinning room. He said what about your bedroom. CRAP!!! OOOOKKK. So I walk him to my room and stand in front of the door and say "this is my room." And of course he tries to come all the way in and I stopped him and say I don't allow men into my bedroom. He looks at me funny then smiles and turns around. So we go back in the living room and sit down. He told me that I changed and I seem to be mean. I told him, "your just recognizing that I'm much more wiser and not so young minded like I was years ago." We continued to talk about how he dawged me out. He seemed to have a memory problem because he didn't agree with anything I said. I told him that I was celibate, and that I had been for 5 years now. As the conversation died down we started looking at tv and were watching the movie (Orphan). All of a sudden he gets up and decides to come sit on the couch next to me. And I'm thinking to myself "Awww MAN not this crap." lol. He sits next to me and continues to watch the movie. After about 15 minutes he looks at me and says "can I have a kiss." With wrinkles in my forehead I look at him and say "NO." He ask why not. (I swear some men are just born with at stupid chip that turns on unexpectantly and they just say dumb stuff.)I said we are friends remember. And said friends can kiss. Now I know for sure he came over of for some bootie. AND YOUR NOT GETN IT BUDDY! Then he had the nerve to say "we've already kissed and had sex in the past, so what's the big deal." Ummm can you not hear DUMB A$$ lol. "I just told you, I've been celibate for 5 years. What makes you think I'd break that FOR YOU!" He couldn't answer me. So we stop talking and he starts to fall asleep and starts snoring. So I jump up and say time to go. Can you believe he has the nerve to ask me if he can stay the night lol. I just laugh and say "BYE!!" I walk him to the door and he leans in toward me and tries to kiss me and I push his face back and give him a hug and close the door. He calls me on the phone and says I'm still sitting in the parking lot in case you changed your mind lol. Once again I say "GOOD BYE" LOL. I'll finish the rest of that story later, but before I end this post I'd like to just say two words......WHY ME?

Ladies Night

This weekend was wonderful. Saturday night I went to a ladies night and met some new ladies. We watched a documentary "Diary of a Mad Black Man". We had such a good discussion about it that we didn't even make it through the full documentary. However I've seen it before. If your a female, its a great documentary to watch. But I do believe they did dramatize the woman's acting a little too much. The topic that stood out the most was interacial dating. There are a lot of black women that hate to see a man with a white woman. Personally I think thats an issue that comes from within a woman. Something is either going on or happened for her to hate to see a black man with a white woman together. The only time it bothers me is if the guy thats dating a white woman said he's dating her because black women are too difficult or picky etc. That's the only time I'm bothered by it. I hate men that sterotype all black women because of one that spoiled the bunch. Another topic that came up, was the type of women today men look for. And out of everyone there, I happen to be the only chuncky one lol. So no one really understood when I said, part of the reason why I've think I've been single for so long is because men go after the video vixens. The mixed chicks with long hair and legs. And I happen to be short with short hair. When I was first single for the first 2 years I know for sure men didn't talk to me because they could sense my ensecurity, low self esteem and low confidence. But that all changed as the years went on. I learned a lot about myself and learned how to love myself. So now that I've accomplished that, I don't understand now, why I'm still single. But if I look at it on the christian side, I know I need to get my life right with christ, which is what I'm working on now. I know that god has my best interest at heart and will do things in his time, but GOODNESS how much longer LORD lol? They say be careful what you pray for. Well I prayed for patience...If I knew what I know now, trust me that's not something I'd ask for lol. To close this post just want to encourage my women readers. Remember you must love yourself first before anyone else can love you.

The Jewel

Hello my readers....Ok I forgot to tell you that I got a new mattress a few weeks ago called THE JEWEL....oooooowwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeee it's so comfy. It feels like I'm floating in a lake. And I have definetly been sleeping better and my lower back doesn't hurt like crazy when I wake up in the morning. After they deliverd the mattress I went and layed on it and all of a sudden I felt, FRESH, NEW, HAPPY, STRONG, and CONFIDENT and you want to know why? Because I realized I had my other mattress for the last 15 years and I don't want to sound like a H@$ but I had sex in that bed with my past boyfriends. And even though I've been single for a while, everytime I use to lay on that old mattress I remember those ex-jerks. And as I lay on my brand new beautiful Jewel Mattress I realized all those memories were gone. Ahhh what a breath of fresh air. I just loved that feeling. So I made a promise to myself, the next man that has sex with me in this bed WILL be my Husband.

Unswallable Tears

After a good review from a close friend. I finally got up the nerves to go and buy the DVD movie "Valentines Day" and watch it for the first time. I dreaded watching it because I know how I get watching too many love stories. However it turned out to be really good and really funny. I was glad that it wasn't a movie about all the perfect valentine couples celebrating that RETARTED day lol. It was more about all the things going wrong on valentine's day. People getting dumped, cheated on, or even throwing a "I hate valentine's day" party. But one thing for certain is the movie did bring back memories of all my valentines day horrors. Rather than tell them all, I'll just tell you my very first valentine horror which happens to be the worst of them all.

I was 15 and my boyfriend was 17 and out of school while I was in high school. He told me, he'd meet me on the corner at lunch time to bring me my gift. When the lunch bell rang, I ran to the corner with much anticipation. I waited and waited and finally I see his younger brother walking towards me from a distance. He was carrying some balloons to which the helium had started to deflate, so the balloons were dragging on the ground. He had a heart box of chocolates and the biggest most beautiful red and white Teddy Bear that I'd ever seen. It was like the carnival size stuff animals you win. Definitely too big to put in a locker. I said where is your brother. He said "he was on his way but the copes picked him up and took him away in their car". I was so confused and asked why and he said he didn't know. So I took my gifts and went back to school very worried. When I got to class I opened the box of chocolates and half of them were gone because his brother ate it lol on his way to meet me. When I got home from school I called him and he answered and I can't remember what the reason was the cops took him but he was back at home and ok. That night we were suppose to go roller skating together. We had always gone together. He said he was really tired and wasn't going to go. He knew I wouldn't go without him. So I said ok and hung up. I changed my mind and decided to go with one of my friends. When I walked in, I found him kissing a girl in the arcade room. I immediately started crying. I didn't know what to do. So I walked up to him and tapped him on the shoulder and said I thought you weren't going skating. He literally grabbed the girls hand and walked away from me like he didn't even know me. Geezzz just typing this is giving me goose bumps and bringing tears to my eyes. It was valentines day, my first boyfriend, first valentines day and it hurt so much to see him kissing another girl. When I got home I was so upset and hurt that I decided to take that HUGE beautiful bear and rip it to shreds. And that's exactly what I did. Now here comes the worst part of it all. The next day I got a phone call from his mother asking did he give me a huge red and white teddy bear. I said yes. She said "I'm sorry but I'm going to have to ask for that bear back". I said "why"? She said "my son took that teddy bear from his grandmother and her dead husband gave that to her years ago". OMG I'm sure your mouths are on the floor now, as mine was while I was on the phone. I said, the bear is destroyed. Your son cheated on me with another girl and I got upset and tore the bear apart. It's nothing but a bag full of cotton. CLICK....she hung up the phone in my face. What horrible person would do such a thing. It never dawned on me that the plastic the bear was wrapped in was sort of yellow. Like how plastic looks when it gets really old. I've never been so hurt in all my life. Now I was feeling guilt on top of hurt.

Watching that movie made that memory vivid in my mind. And as the movie came to an end and suddenly happy endings were happening...I found myself balled up on my couch crying. I felt the pain all over again as if it had happened that day. And to make matters worse, the pain of being single for all these year sank in and I cried for the first time in 2 years about me being single. And sadly I'm crying now.