Sleeplessness

Most of my family and friends know that I struggle with sleeping. What they don't know is the effect that it has on me. So I've decided to let you in on what I experience pretty much EVERY night.

Since I was a little girl, maybe about 6 to 8 when my mother use to make me and my siblings take naps at 12 Noon, I had always struggled with sleep. My mom would make us lay down and and said we had to sleep for at least 2 hours. Can you imagine what its like for a 6 year old girl to lay in a bed for two ours, tossing and turning? Words can't describe how I felt lying in the bed wishing I could fall asleep. My twin sisters and younger brother didn't have this issue. They would be out in seconds, but not me. My mom knew this because she would walk into the room about every 10 to 15 minutes and say "Terrica you better go to sleep or you not getting out of that bed!" And trust me she meant it. So I had to pretend to sleep. I would just close my eyes and wait till I heard my brother get up. His room was close to mine. We only took naps in the summer. I think this was a way for my mom to clear her head for the day and get things done without 4 kids nagging her all day. I remember thinking how sad I would get when it got close to noon because I knew it would be time for a nap. I even recall crying in the bathroom once because I didn't feel like laying and pretending. Sometimes I fell asleep while I was pretending but most of the time I didn't. I can't remember too much of how I slept at night. My memories for night sleep come back during my years in Jr High and High School. My mom was always strict about bed time during my years in school. 8:30 was bed time for us. In High School I finally got my own phone line and to me it was sort of a life saver. Because I didn't worry about tossing all night, I usually always had a friend to talk to over the phone really late at night. Of course I had to be sneaky because my mom didn't allow me on the phone after a certain time on school nights. My old high school best friend Johnny B use to stay on the phone with me all night. We even fell asleep on the phone. He snored but not really loud, but something about having the sound of him sleeping in my ear help me fall asleep at times. Time went on, I got older and falling asleep got even worse. I started buying sleeping pills over the counter but those would only help for so long. I would end up swallowing more that 12 pills at a time before I would feel sleepy. I knew that wasn't healthy so I would stop buying them for a few months then start back up again. Then I started doing research on my issue when I noticed how traumatized I would become when I knew the day was coming to an end and that it would be bed time soon. I would get so depressed thinking about how I knew I would'nt be able to sleep. So I did some research on the internet, and took a few sleep classes. I tried everything they suggested but nothing worked.

1. Making sure I went to bed at the same time every night
2. taking my TV out of my bedroom
3. not laying in bed all day and only getting in my bed when it was time to sleep
4. taking a hot bath before bed
5. drinking warm milk
6. reading a book
7. crocheting
8. stretching
9. meditation
10. counting
11. noting eating sweets or food a few hours before bedtime.
12. not drinking wine (which by the way I use to have a glass at night thinking it would help but read its the worse thing you could do before bed)
13. Listening to soft music (jazz, sleep, Cd's etc)

I can go on and on. Just because you don't see it listed doesn't mean I haven't tried it. NONE of these things ever helped. Maybe it helped for a few days but it never lasted and I could never figure out why. Its one of the most annoying issues I've ever had to deal with in my life. Its so depressing when your up at 4am in the morning and you know that most of the world is sleeping. At the times that I was in a relationship and living with a guy, my sleep sort of improved. I slept better when I was cuddled up with my man. When the relationship ended and he was no longer in my bed, sleeping became difficult again. My doctor has prescribed sleep medications but they are all addicting. You have no idea what it feels like to come off a medication and go through withdrawals. It's a horrible thing to experience and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I've done things like:

1. Bye a new bed
2. bye better pillows

But that only helped for so long too.

On average I sleep about 2 hours a night. On a good night I may get 6 hours of sleep, and that's probably only twice a month that I get a good night of sleep. I even have gone 2 days with no sleep at all. I would be at work and feel so drained and tired and the minute I get home and lay down I'd be wide awake like a freaken Owl. I know I'm reaching the point that not sleeping is effecting my health, my only other option is to talk to my Dr about it once again and get back on medication which I fear doing. Today I came into work at 6am my normal start time is 8:30. I couldn't sleep so I figured I might as well go to work. And now its 7:18 am and I'm already feeling drowsy and tired. I've yawned so much my jaws are sore. But I'm familiar with this routine. When I get home I'll try to keep busy till about 8pm and lay down and go to bed, but then my mind will be all over the place and I'll be wide awake, tossing and turning. This is my life, this is what I experience every single day. I can only hope that a solution comes soon. Keep me in prayer readers.